I give up!
“
REJECTED.
Having to confess how you feel about someone very special to you is hard enough. There comes the “what ifs” that keeps us from taking the risk and fear of being rejected and regretting having admitted what we’ve admitted. Once we’ve admitted though, the outcome would either be negative or positive. If it’s positive and all goes well, then hooray. If not, then we’d start wishing we could redo things and just have kept on keeping our feelings to ourselves.. But we can’t.
Having to admit those kept-hidden feelings to someone after all those times of openness and comfortability; taking a huge risk that could affect the strong founded friendship, and being a girl to be the one to admit - is CRUCIALLY DIFFICULT! SEEMINGLY PREPOSTEROUS! and SERIOUSLY SERIOUS!
Admitting and revealing your kept-hidden-suppressed feelings is one thing. Being a girl and admitting your kept-hidden-suppressed feelings is another thing. It’s a whole different story. It’s more……………. More. It’s a total guards-down on your ego. You risk your femininity and reputation on how the world would see you as, after being the one to approach and admit your feelings. If rejected, as being a girl, you risk being mocked and felt sorry for. You’d feel stupid and crappy.
It’s really a whole different story when the girl is the one to admit. It’s something really personal.
Here we go again..
I need to know where I stand. It’s not my game, I have no match. You know that feeling when you try to be your best, but in the end it’s really not you he chooses no matter how you twist and turn the situation?
I have to admit though. His choice was a good one. I mean, she’s pretty; she’s talented; she’s wealthy; she’s nice; she’s a member of the Church; she’s got a good family and educational background; she’s a simple righteous person with innocent intentions; And by the way I’m describing her right now even I would fall for her if I were him.. I know she’s got her own personal flaws, but seems like she’s close to perfect - something I’m so far from being.
So what’s next? Should I just give up and drop it all? I should know where I stand. I mean, I’m ok with what I am to him right now.. I like the kind of bond we have, but comparing it to a job, I wanna apply for a higher position. But looks like there’s someone better to fit his requirements, and I’m am no match. I don’t seem to qualify..
Epic fail.
I’ve been having challenges in doing the next steps of my life after graduation (even though I haven’t graduated yet until April 12, 2011 next week); And frankly, I’ve been feeling down because of the results of previous attempts of progression. Today I just decided to stop and sit this day out and give myself time to rest and think. Seems like someone important to me felt the same today, and shared this song. I listened to it and I was touched. It was perfect.
“Mistakes of the past don’t define you, they refine you”
“YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT MAKES HIM HAPPY”
This line really strikes me to the bones!! Sometimes I get that sad and jealous feeling of not being the “reason” why that certain someone’s happy.. It makes me happy to know he’s happy, but I sometimes wish it were because of me. It’s not that I’m being selfish (as it looks), but I guess I get that feeling of competition that someone’s better than me and I might “lose”.. Haha! It’s complicated.. :))
